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Archive for August, 2008

My Sex Video

Made you Look.

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this little bird had an unfortunate mishap with the fountain in our yard, and when I pulled it out of the water it sat for a few moments with me… I said in a previous blog with a photo of daffodils that many times while thinking of someone something happens that reinforces those contemplations, and this is a more intense embodiment of that… I never learn.
I am a bleeding heart for the wounded; and they gravitate towards me it seems. Perhaps they sense similar despondecy, for whatever the reason a soul’s sorrow speaks louder to my heart than any other emotion. Strangers and loved ones, I ache to at least offer them the knowledge that I am nearby. I think in some capacity every person feels compassion and sympathy, but for me their pain is my own, and felt almost as intensely. I think because it’s a common thread between us that ties us to one another, love and sadness are in my own mind the two emotions we feel and are affected by most intensely…. and often times one is inspired by the other. My husband once said, in a very hard time in our relationship, that he could never be with anyone else because I loved him, and when I replied that lots of people could love him he responded “people don’t love the way that you do” I never forgot that, and the more people I come to love in my life the more truth I find in those words, sometimes it seems a blessing and others a curse. On one side of the balances, I am blessed to know I will never be the person to say, I didn’t know what I had until I lost it, on the other I doubt any one I ever loved would love me in equal measure… I’m like a sunflower in a drought even when someone is killing me my soul continues to reach for them, burn me as long as you embrace me…
I carry scars from each of you that reached to me for solace and sanctuary for your thoughts. I break myself into fragmented shards simply to give you more pieces of me, and unfailingly watch those slivers of self crack and shatter beneath your feet as you take steps away from me and somehow the happiness found is always so big that it never leaves enough room for me to exist in after… I am a companion for the lonely empty places in the soul, and loved for my ability to be unfailing in that regard… I have never been the one to leave when things get hard, when it’s hurtful or lonely… but then I suppose I can only blame myself… If you never leave, you are always the one who remains when the other leaves… and each time I dare to consider I have found a soul similar to mine, it is not long before they correct my careless hopes and remind me that if such a thing as soulmates does exist it is not so for my own…
What would be the point of flowers having soulmates? It was a silly notion anyway…

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Why is it we spend so much time embraced in this tangled dance of emotional chaos with souls we are attracted towards because they burn so brightly in our darknesses that for their light we disregard our own skin turning to charred embers in its heat? It’s so easily obvious to the unaffected view that those we choose are often not right for us, and yet we are oblivious to it often times until we have suffered tremendous heartache and sorrow at the hands of those who are merciless with our fragile emotions. It’s a dance of contradictions with no choreography and we stumble on eachother’s hearts carelessly in the process, desparately trying to find our way, and someone to walk it with. So often we see ourselves tripping over our partner’s feet, and yearn for another who seems so easily graceful in the dance of love, only to find if given the chance we would be equally clumsy in their arms, and perhaps add to the despondency a bit of insecurity as we feel inadaquate in our own attempts to follow their lead.
So often I have found myself wondering if perhaps we can not remain in one relationship in our lives, because our lives constantly shape and mold who we were into who we are, and so often we repeat to ourselves the cliche: “if I knew then what I know now” I think perhaps the only way to remain steadfast with another and weather this life is to close your eyes to anyone else and what you presume to be their happiness so easily obtained, and equally adjust your focus from what you feel you have lost or never had, and instead know and remind yourself consistantly of how many blessings you are given in a day…
My life has been the most stressful and trying time I have experienced, and yet I find myself able to say that I am truly happy, not inspite of the obstacles, but because I know that surmounting them will be a worthy excursion for the joys they will bring… the burdens I carry are the responsibilities of the blessings I have prayed for my whole life, I could not ask for more when so many have less. Still I would be dishonest if I said never a quiet moment found me with thoughts of abandoning these responsibilities for a fresh passion, I am by nature a passionate person, but I have learned to let that side of me remain embers instead of raging flames… those with passion never find peace.

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In the last few days we officially transitioned, our house is off the market, going to a wonderful couple, who we will be lucky enough to call friends, the wife is a wedding caterer, the husband national guard AGR, and their kids love the house too. On the side of the coin, our new house did appraise well, the in depth contractor inspections also came back better than we hoped, and it is a healthy balance between being able to move in but also have some leverage for price negotiations. The stress both homes were pressing on either side of us has subsided, and given us room to focus on other matters, which drastically improved the husband’s performance, and allowed me to edit and deliver all last week’s wedding photos in under 72 hours, prepare for the 4 upcoming events, and therefore I am in a comfortable lull… I have had time to take my kids to the park, bake with cadence, make real dinners, encourage steven’s walking {he just started a few days ago and is barely crawling at all anymore}
The new home encompasses so much of what we hoped for, the grounds are huge, and beautiful, and when we were there for the inspections this weekend it warmed my heart to see Cady playing in our new yard. The home is smaller than the one we’re in now, which for the moment is a benefit because it is less to maintain with our busy schedules, but still offers the room when ready to add on and piece by piece turn it into our dream home. My career as a photographer is thriving, beyond my hopes for it this year, but I can control the depth of it, and keep enough to benefit us financially, and satisfy my artistic nature, but still have time to witness the important and wonderful moments having a family gives me. I am so in love with my family and my life right now, am looking forward to being close to family and friends, having a housewarming party, and beginning the best part of my life with my husband in the home we both see our selves growing old in, and are lucky enough to have at an age when most of those our age are still at home with their parents or in their first apartments. It’s a difficult thing to weather the storms and hardships of being a family it is not for the faint of heart to take on marriage and children… most people just dont have the strength and will and courage to gut it out when it’s less than good let alone when it’s at its worst, but moments like this make it worth enduring any heartache… and inspite of any sorrows or hurt I have suffered for my marriage and family, at the end of the day, my husband is my best friend, and the father of two most wonderful parts of my life…. and though I sometimes lose patience and feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a wife and mother, I would rather hear my children cry then to never know the sound of their voice, and would gladly endure any trial my marriage has suffered to have gotten to this point where I can honestly say, I have everything I ever wanted out of life, and still have most of my life left to enjoy it

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Sooo here’s an update… let’s talk weddings! Scott & Stacie’s wedding… just to catch you up on the pre-nuptual events prior to this job:
I got in a car accident several weeks ago and the 08 honda has been in the shop since, lucky me 3 weeks and +$7000 later they call me on friday to pick up my car “good as new” is the choice phrase. Well saturday morning I leave for the Wedding which is up in williamsport and half way up cruising 75-80mph up 81 the car just dies… in drive no warning no bells, lights, whistles… it just dies. Silence, the brakes and steering wheel lock up. Luckily I get it started again, nurse it into the driveway of the bride’s parents and it dies there, not to be revived. Trying not to panic or let on that anything’s wrong I pop in take a few gettin ready shots of the bride and her daugher, then pull aside the dad who conveinently has jumper cables but has never used them. Luckily I have been properly schooled in the art of car jumping, oil changing, and other minor car maintenances… the response is “you’re my kinda girl kid” from the bride’s dad. So I head over to the church, except a mile down the road the car dies in the middle of an intersection. very nice guys jump out of their truck and help me get my car to the curb, where I then promptly call the police explain that I now have exactly 20 minutes to get to the church, and then… a tow truck happens to be passing by, 10 minutes half a mile and $50 later my car is towed into the church parking lot {talk about arriving in style} I shoot the ceremony flawlessly, save the mom bouquets and aid in proper positioning of the groom and best man’s flowers on the lapel, and have relaxed into wedding mode, leaving my auto chaos to deal with later. After the ceremony and receiving line we go to do the alter returns, big family bride and groom want lots of formal portraits; no problem, except the shutter button wont fire and the camera wont lock focus…. bad Jess, no extra DSLR! {for those of you thinking about slapping the back of my head, cut me some slack, the idea was to take the profits from this event to purchase my back up. I have since sucked up the expense and charged it} So it turns out my auto focus drive in the body is malfunctioning, the entire reception and rest of the alter returns are shot manual focus, I have much more respect for photographers that existed before autofocus. I shoot the rest of the wedding, have my car towed to the nearest shop where they give me a new battery, tell me that the problem is between the alternator and battery and if I keep the air, radio and lights off I should make it home, however the car dies again about 75 miles from home… I then have the car towed the rest of the way home and with 2+ hours in a tow truck and a $200 charge for the tow I was in less than positive spirits when I walked through my door after midnight… so I set my camera to upload the photos and go to bed, in the morning after a nice hot shower and some meditation I timidly face off with my screen, terrified of the possibilities of out of focus and unimpressive photographs resulting from the stress of the day, lack of autofocus and harsh florescent lighting in the church cafeteria where the reception took place… and am pleasantly surprised to find a collection of beautiful photographs include some of my truly best work to date… Guess I might have a future in this wedding photography thing.

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Just a snapshot… but then there are no perfect photographs only perfect moments captured… we’ve been soo busy lately I decided to take the night off and just look through some of the family moment photos and realized I didnt post any photos of Steven’s first birthday, so here it is:

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