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Archive for September, 2008

Suffice it to say there is just too much going on at the moment to take all the time I wouldnt have to say all the things most of you wouldnt read anyway
a thousand words:

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Sing to Me Like Sorrow

Scott Church’s seminar on Saturday, as always breathes fresh inspiration into me and of course produces a new favorite piece. If you are a photographer I highly recommend you go to one, if you are a model book him now, if you are anyone else, set up a shoot with me and then immediately call and book him next He is not only one of my favorite photographers, but a favorite place of solace. The walls of his studio hold some of the most interesting and artistic beautiful souls I have met recently, and it is always wonderful to watch the subject and the artists play off eachother and create unique pieces even when they are being utilized by multiple photographers.
As for me a silhouetted version of what I suppose a lamenting serenade would look like if you could not hear it. Though I by no means take for granted any of the many blessings I never considered I might be fortunate enough to have, being sick weighs on my resolve a bit and I find myself feeling a bit melancholy, funny how regardless of what happens when the shutter clicks, the end result is a wordless echo of my soul’s existence at the time.

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I have ached for love from depths most would not dare explore within themselves…. and as many do could spin a web of sorrow and heartache through experiences of abuse and neglect from a lost version of childhood… we’re all tortured souls in one regard or another I suppose. I find often times in retrospect the moments I thought would break me have in turn shaped some of the favorite aspects of myself, like a rock the ocean is beating against relentlessly until someone sees the beauty of the polished after effects of the ocean’s turmoil against the stone… Only the stone carries the memory of the storms that crafted it. I am at the center of myself a very humble person, and it has taken me some 25 years to differentiate between confidence and conceitedness. I think for a long time my feelings of the inability to be one without the other had restrained me from taking flight, that it might be perceived audacious to spread my wings when others could not fly. I think recently I have learned more about the person I am and recognized that I am very close to being who I always wanted to be, and allowed myself to believe I wasn’t because of an unfounded acceptance of someone else’s perception of me. I have embraced my unique ability to be a myriad of things because I very easily adapt and learn the choreography of the different roles I have danced in. I am finally finding a central balance between mother, wife, photographer and self. I have released the shells that served as defenses against the world and am comfortable in my own skin. I think this has manifested completely in the last few days. I used to be so distraught and conflicted with what my life was and who I was in it that at times even death was a welcome thought. Then again I think each of us has been there for at least a moment when we have lost the thing that mattered most. It took me a long time to see the thing I had lost; or never really had was myself, in true unbridled form. Lately I have been very aware of my blessings instead of my burdens. I have been dare I say it: Happy. and at peace. I think a lot of this is also because I have embraced myself and my strength that for whatever reason I denied was evident before. I rest in the comfort of knowing whatever comes that I can approach it with grace and courage, and most importantly survive and even flourish in its absence. Let’s consider it a fundamental understanding of the much practiced buddhist belief in detachment. Easy in theory hard in practice… Perhaps that’s why death scares us so. Whether our own ending or the loss of a loved one there is such a permanence about it that we fear we can not stop aching for that loss because the loss is never ending.
Why the philosophical tonight? Several days ago I went for my annual girl checkup {always fun} and once again was met with the same results as several years ago, a hard mass on one of my ovaries. Last time it was a simple surgery and removal of the tumor that had my test not shown results of I would not have known about. This time I have been in pain and can actually feel the hard spot she is referring to… and I saw her face… excellent Doctor, she delivered both my children and found the first growth when I was 17…. terrible game face though, no future in poker. So now I’m facing internal ultrasounds, hormone levels and lots of blood work, while balancing a career, two kids, a marriage, and our moving fiasco that is weeks away but seems never ending. Part of me feels the faster I deal with it the sooner it’s over, part of me knows my intuition is rarely wrong and I feel like it is better to revel in the bliss that is ignorance. Somewhere in the midst of a contorted view towards the adage that what I don’t know cant hurt me. How many times do people go to the doctor for something routine, think they have a cold or pulled a muscle, and instead are told they have cancer, which their bodies promptly respond to by in turn getting sick, aided of course by chemo, surgery, radiation and medication that hurts all the healthy parts of your body while trying to heal the afflicted parts? Something simple? Possibly… but I’m not ready to face the alternative. There’s so much yet… Steven hasn’t said Mommy yet, first days of school, proms, graduation, 1st christmas home from college, 5 year wedding anniversary, next year’s wedding season, the addition on our house, buying a puppy for the kids, reuniting with old friends, making new ones, our 50 year wedding anniversary, grandkids… To many moments like this I have not yet captured

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Ordinary Fairytales


So this weekend I shot my first Quinceanera, and I have to say it was nicer than most of the weddings I’ve shot thus far. I realize that I am not all that familiar with the tradition and symbolism, a sort of sweet 16 & introduction to society as a woman celebration…. but this was such an all out affair complete with mimes, snow cone machines, ice sculptures, two awesome bands, a DJ delicious food, and such all out decor I was literally in shock for a few moments and forgot to click the shutter button.
The location happened to be at a hall that I grew up near to but never until saturday had the chance to experience. I remember thinking it was a castle every time I passed it when I was little though, I still glance at it every time I pass now, and feel a glimpse of that childhood wonder. Wouldnt it be a wonderful existence if we could all see the possibilities everything held for us as children, the ability to see wonder and magic in the smallest things that we now barely notice in our hurry to do… what exactly?
A pretty photo of my childhood castle, I guess if we take a moment we’d realize we are all surrounded by ordinary fairy tales, little blessings we take for granted.

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My life is so blessed, I have so many joys to be thankful for and appreciate, on one side of the glass is everything I cherish and keep sacred in my life, on the other side is a place in my soul that thoughts of you echo in resounding chaos. I ache to feel the rain upon my skin there, I think I’d break myself into pieces if your artistic soul could find beauty in the shards, or wouldfind within yourself the desire to take the fragments and create a new existence of me…
I wish it wasnt so effortless for you to get around my exterior… or that when you crossed those perimeters you at least did so intentionally…

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no lengthy blog today, not that I have nothing to say just that words are an ill defence against emotions, who ever talked down a soul’s intensity?

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